Welcoming 2019 Openly
9th January 2019
Happy New Year!
In 2019, I wish for you to know your worth; to feel loved; to believe in yourself; to be surrounded by people who bring out the best in you.
This year I am going to share my experience as much as possible in a positive but effective manner. The reason I know it is going to be effective is because the sort of stuff I will be sharing is exactly the material I talk about with many other Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse. These conversations for me are a breath of fresh air ; actually sitting down with another lad, listening, learning, laughing and walking a way at the end with a new found friend is something special.
I can not help but admire the bravery of so many since I broke my silence. I remember way before I broke my silence I would often think… Did this happen? Have I imagined it? Maybe I have dreamed this? Does this mean I am gay?
But I like girls!?!
These are the sort of questions I would ask myself a hundred times a day. A young Callum, so confused and not having a clue what to do. As the years went by I was still confused and still did not have a clue. The questions like “maybe I have imagined this” and “maybe I have dreamed this” made my life much more bare able. The nightmares, the flash backs, the rage, the anger, the shame & the guilt was taking over though. Those thoughts and feelings without a doubt was winning this vicious battle going off inside me. The embarrassment of what had happened to me held me back.
The shame still to this day haunts me and when it sets in I still bury my head in the sand.
I now though am at complete acceptance that this is OK.
It is actually OK to feel the way I do from time to time.
It is OK to feel sad just as it is OK to feel happy.
My brain and my body have developed ways of coping in silence, masking the pain and not talking how I feel. Everything I have ever been afraid off and spent my whole life running away from as now been faced.
How brave is that? How brave is ‘breaking the silence’
For me personally it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life yet the most rewarding. I am no longer living a lie. My loved ones now know if I am having an off day.
I have an amazing team around me in Survivors Manchester, I have met so many inspirational people who too have been through a similar trauma and i’ve had the honour of them opening up to me, sharing their experiences and giving me the hope needed to move forward in life.
The healing process for me is a beautiful journey that belongs to each and every one of us survivors.
So come on 2019… I welcome you with arms wide open
Much love and respect
Cal x